Communication is really about bringing our thoughts and questions (“Do they like this?” “I wonder how that feels for them” “I wish they would touch me there...”) to the surface. Most of the messages we get about sex through media (books, TV, and movies) are that sex is something that just happens. It’s rare that they show any form of communication, which might make you think it’s not important. But communication is KEY to safer and more enjoyable sex for everybody involved. It’s a skill that requires practice, and although it might feel awkward at first, it gets easier (and smoother) with practice.
- Pick a good time when there aren’t distractions or interruptions.
- Frame your conversation using “I” statements - it isn’t selfish to put yourself at the centre of this discussion, your needs/wants/boundaries are important.
- Deliver your message in the same way you want it to be received - calmly, matter-of-factly, and like it deserves attention.
- Check for understanding by asking “Does that make sense?” “Do you have any questions?” or ask the person to repeat it back to you as they understand it.
Some of us prefer to have these conversations outside of sexy time, to relieve any pressure we put on ourselves, and some of us prefer to have these conversations in the moment. Do what makes you and your partner(s) feel good!
In case you don’t already know this: You are allowed to have boundaries, and to insist that they are respected. You are important.